As a draft nerd myself, I have to admit I was secretly excited for the Patriot rebuild post Brady/Belichick.

After years of bad drafting in the 2010s, I thought a reinvigorated Bill would rebuild the roster in the way he did when he first took the New England job, bringing in 20-plus free agents while nailing draft picks to get the team back into contention.

Now, as the playoffs begin and the Pats are now six years removed from their last playoff win, I feel like a fucking moron for looking forward to a rebuild. Sitting home and watching other teams compete in the playoffs while your team is out blows.

So here’s an idea: What if the Patriots didn’t have a dog shit roster? What would the team look like if they didn’t take guards from Chattanooga in the first round? What if they didn’t believe in the likes of N’Keal Harry, Tyquan Thornton and Ja’Lynn Polk (woof) to support a young quarterback?

Let’s take a look. When I see people go through redrafts, it usually leads to X team drafting every good player available and it’s just a dumb and nonsensical exercise. If the league knew how good AJ Brown was going to be, don’t you think he would have gone a tad higher than 51st?

Instead, I’ll give a more realistic look at it by taking the first five picks the Patriots made in each draft over the last five years and changing the pick to next player drafted at that position. It’s not a perfect exercise, but a good way to showcase just how bad Bill and company have been at picking players.

2024 Draft

Original Pick: QB Drake Maye (No. 3)

New Pick: Michael Penix (No. 8)

A rare win here for the Patriots. Maye was the obvious and correct pick. It’s impossible to say how either players’ careers will turn out, but so far Maye looks like he has the makings of a superstar while Penix was a 55 year old rookie who was inconsistent in the few starts he made.

Original Pick: WR Ja’Lynn Polk (No. 37)

New Pick: Adonai Mitchell (No. 52)

This one doesn’t even showcase how dumb Eliot Wolf and crew are. As we know, the Patriots traded out of the 34th pick to get two picks. How can you pass on the opportunity to get Polk (12 catches, 87 yards) AND Javon Baker (one catch, 12 yards) when you could have one single player like McConkey (82 catches, 1,149 yards, seven touchdowns).

But since we’re just going off of where the pick was made, the alternate to Polk would be Mitchell. While he didn’t do much (23 catches, 312 yards) I might have been able to do as much as Polk did this year and would still feel better having Mitchell’s upside moving forward.

Quick side note: Picks made after Polk include the likes T’Vondre Sweat, Braden Fiske, Cooper DeJean, Kamari Lassiter and Edgerrin Cooper, proving that every team should just draft good players regardless of position rather than reaching to fill needs during the draft.

Original Pick: OT Caeden Wallace (No. 68)

New Pick: Kiran Amegadjie (No. 75)

Another pick that just doesn’t have a good vibe to it. The Patriots seemed to change their mind on whether Wallace was a left tackle or a right tackle and he might just… suck. He was terrible at left tackle week three against the Jets, got hurt and made a few cameo appearances the last few weeks of the season, though unable to beat out Lane Johnson — whoops, Demontrey Jacobs — for the start at right tackle.

Amenadjie wasn’t much better. He couldn’t get on the field for the only line in the league that might have been worse than New England’s. Quick draft advice: don’t draft players from the nerd schools like Yale in the first three rounds.

Two picks after Amenadjie was Delmar Glaze, who started every game at right tackle for the Raiders from week three on.

Original Pick: OG Layden Robinson (No. 103)

New Pick: Mason McCormick (No. 119)

For all the hype of Robinson in the preseason, he wasn’t very good his first year in the NFL. Maybe he turns into a good player, but it wasn’t pretty at times as a rookie.

Like Glaze, McCormick started every game from week three on for Pittsburgh.

Original Pick: Javon Baker (No. 110)

New Pick: Tez Walker (No. 113)

As mentioned above, Baker was a complete zero his first year in Foxboro. Walker wasn’t any better in Baltimore, finishing the season with one catch for 21 yards. AKA who the fuck knows with either.

2023 Draft

Original Pick: CB Christian Gonzalez (No. 17)

New Pick: Deonte Banks (No. 24)

Bill’s last draft in New England was his best in about 10 years, and while that doesn’t say much, it was the kind of draft that should have kickstarted a reboot.

The 6-2, 200 pound corner with 4.3 speed and effortless fluidity inexplicably fell to 17, going one pick after Emmanuel Forbes, who was cut by corner-needy Washington in his second season.

Banks, who went to the Giants a few picks later, hasn’t been much better and sounds to be on the outs in New York. Multiple teammates questioned his effort this season and he was benched multiple times. Add this to the list of draft wins for Bill.

Original Pick: Edge Keion White (No. 46)

New Pick: Tuli Tuipuloto (No. 54)

I was expecting this to be another win for Bill, but it’s not as clear cut as you’d think. In fact, by the numbers Tuipulotu has the edge.

Through two season, White has six sacks, 10 tackles for loss and 21 quarterback hits. Tuipulotu has 13 sacks, 19 tackles for loss and 29 quarterback hits. I still believe in Keion and his upside long term but Tuiulotu so far has shown to be the better player.

Original Pick: LB Marte Mapu (No. 76)

New Pick: Daiyan Henley (No. 85)

While Patriots fans seem aware of all the gaffs the team has made through the years in the draft, this one feels under appreciated.

Another one of Bill’s “we’re smarter than you and we’re going to show you why” picks, Mapu, out of Sac State, has barely seen the field for New England. When he did play, I would get a notification that said he was questionable to return with a neck injury. Then he would return? I don’t know how one can be constantly questionable with a bad neck but who knows.

When Mapu does play, he sucks. Despite it being rammed down our throats how smart he is, he doesn’t seem to be in the right position at all when he’s out there.

So what about Henley? The Chargers took the Washington St. linebacker nine picks after Mapu and after recording just 16 tackles as a rookie, he exploded for 147 tackles his second year. I wonder if the Patriots — who couldn’t get anyone on the ground — could use a tackle machine in the middle of the defense?

Common theme while writing this: the Chargers seem to just draft better than the Patriots. Funny how one team was in the playoffs while the other is gearing up for a second straight top five pick.

Original Pick: C Jake Andrews (No. 107)

New Pick: Olu Oluwatimi (No. 154)

Andrews has been hurt each of his first two seasons and looks like a zero for the Pats. Oluwatimi was the next center off the board, all the way in the fifth round to Seattle. After just one start as a rookie, he made seven starts this past season.

Original Pick: K Chad Ryland (No. 112)

New Pick: Anders Carlson (No. 207)

Carlson led the NFL in missed kicks as a rookie with Green Bay, was cut in training camp and bounced around between San Fran and the Jets.

Ryland was horrendous as a rookie, was cut and played with the Cardinals this year. Unlike Green Bay, who took a flier on a sixth round kicker, the Pats used legit draft capital to draft a stiff who can’t put it between the uprights.

Advice for the people running the Patriots in the future: stop spending draft capital on special teams players!! It never works. Literally any actual football player would be better than a shitty kicker.

On the flip side, Ryland’s terrible kicking did help the Pats land Drake Maye. So in that way, I guess not all bad.

2022 Draft

Original Pick: G Cole Strange (No. 29)

New Pick: Cam Jurgens (No. 51)

I watched the 2022 draft at home with my dad. Having to work the next day the old man wasn’t pleased when the Pats traded out of 21 to move down to pick 29, delaying his beauty rest.

So as you can imagine, an already grumpy man was more than displeased when Roger Goodell notified him that he stayed up late just to watch the Patriots select a guard from Tennessee Chattanooga. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m going to be bed,” he muttered in a mix of anger and disbelief as soon as the pick was read.

I wasn’t in a much better frame of mind. Depressed, I laid in my childhood room watching grainy Youtube videos with 967 total views of Strange blocking against Little Children of the Poor University until 2 a.m. And even against the future accountants and salesmen, he didn’t look like a dominant player. It was doomed from the start.

Now, to be fair to New England the picks after Strange weren’t all great. George Karlaftis is the obvious miss but Dax Hill, Lewis Cine, Logan Hall, Christian Watson and Roger McCreary aren’t exactly All-Pros. The move should have been to stay at 21 and take the player the Chiefs moved up for, Trent McDuffie.

I sort of cheated with this pick using Jurgens, a center, but he was the next IOL off the board nearly one round later. If Jurgens was the pick at 29, my dad would have had the same reaction.

If Jurgens was the pick at 29, despite my dad being angry, the Patriots would have had a tough, talented interior player on their hands. After starting street free agent Ben Brown throughout the 2024 season, Jurgens would have been a good player on the roster and is a guy who would go much higher than 51 in a redraft.

The Patriots could have also had their pick at 29 and still got Jurgens in the second round but instead…

Original Pick: WR Tyquan Thornton (No. 50)

New Pick: George Pickens (No. 52)

They took another stiff receiver! As it turns out, having 4.2 speed doesn’t help you much if you can’t catch the ball or run routes.

Pickens certainly has his share of problems, and while the talent is obvious, it’s pretty clear why a player of his stature fell all the way to 52. It should also be noted that Bill Belichick never exactly built a team of choir boys during his time with the Pats.

Now a practice squad player on the Chiefs, Thornton has accumulated 39 catches for 395 yards in his career. For all his issues, Pickens has 174 catches for 2,841 yards and 12 scores in that span. You take Pickens and live with the bullshit any day of the week in this scenario.

Original Pick: CB Marcus Jones (No. 85)

New Pick: Coby Bryant (No. 109)

I really like Marcus Jones… when’s he’s on the field. He’s a dynamic athlete in the slot, isn’t afraid to lay the wood despite his size and is one of the best punt returners in the league.

The only knock on him is he can’t stay healthy, which shouldn’t be a shock. He missed time in college and his 5-8, 175 pound frame has limited him to 31 of a possible 51 games in his NFL career. As much as I’d like the Pats to use him more on offense, I’m not sure his body could hold up with the extra workload.

Bryant has made 19 starts with Seattle, taking on a larger role this past season.

Original Pick: CB Jack Jones (121)

New Pick: Joshua Williams (No. 135)

About Bill not being afraid to take guys with questionable character… enter Jack Jones.

Here’s a quick refresher: Jones was a 5 star recruit out of high school, went to USC, became a starter his sophomore year but was then kicked off the team for “academic struggles.” (In case you can’t understand, 5 star starters don’t exactly get kicked out of schools like USC for not going to class, so whatever happened must have been pretty bad.)

After a Juco year, where he was arrested for burglary at a Panda Express, Jones went to Arizona State, where he balled out for two years.

Bill took a chance on him in the fourth round and it was the right call. Jones can play! He’s a ballhawk who, while taking too many chances, has shown a rare ability to make game changing plays.

Despite his arrest for bringing guns to Logan, Bill stuck by him. That was until he stopped trying during games and Bill shipped him away. I would have tried to make it work, but with his history, who the hell knows how bad it was behind the scenes.

Williams has been a part time player in KC each of the last three years.

Original Pick: RB Pierre Strong (No. 127)

New Pick: Hassan Haskins (No. 131)

Bill gave up on Strong after one season, trading him to Cleveland for a tackle no longer on the roster.

Strong hasn’t exactly done much, sitting at 499 yards through three season. Haskins, now with the Chargers, is also a nothing, so no real miss here.

2021 Draft

Original Pick: QB Mac Jones (No. 15)

New Pick: Kyle Trask (No. 64)

Do I even need to get into this one? Mac — who is the clear leader in the clubhouse for my least favorite Patriot players of my lifetime — never should have been drafted in the first round. Hell, he shouldn’t have been drafted in the third. He does not have one distinguishable trait to get drafted high. He has a noodle arm, he’s as tough as a modern day male liberal and he looks like he’s running in quicksand trying to escape pressure.

At least he was smart and makes good decisions! Except for all the times he made stupid throws and stupid decisions with the ball.

After Lawrence, none of the quarterbacks should have been drafted before day three. Take your pick- Zach Wilson, Trey Lance, Justin Fields, Trask, Kellen Mond and Davis Mills are all — at best — backup quarterbacks in the league.

Original Pick: DT Christian Barmore (No. 38)

New Pick: Levi Onwuzurike (No. 41)

One of the better modern picks by Belichick, Barmore broke out in 2023 to the tune of 8.5 sacks.

I thought Barmore was going take another step forward and become an All-Pro this year but blood clots unfortunately limited his season to just a few games. Here’s to hoping he’s healthy and able to get back on a football field.

Onwuzurike — a smaller interior pass rusher — hasn’t lived up to the billing in Detroit with only 3.5 sacks in his career. Thankfully for the Lions, third round DT Alim McNeill is a monster in the middle.

Original Pick: EDGE Ronnie Perkins (No. 96)

New Pick: Baron Browning (No. 105)

Perkins was never healthy/never showed anything in New England and is likely out of the league after spending part of this past season on the Cardinals practice squad.

Browning showed promise in Denver but was traded to Arizona for just a sixth round pick at the deadline. He had two sacks in eight games in the Desert.

Original Pick: RB Rhamondre Stevenson (No. 120)

New Pick: Chuba Hubbard (No. 126)

I was expecting this to be a big win for the Pats, but turns out the guy picked after Rhamondre isn’t bad at all, and looks like he’s coming into this own.

Just look at the numbers for both.

Stevenson: 606 yards, five touchdowns; 1,040 yards, five touchdowns; 619 yards, four touchdowns; 801 yards, seven touchdowns.

Hubbard: 612 yards, five touchdowns; 466 yards, two touchdowns; 902 yards, five touchdowns, 1,195 yards, 10 touchdowns.

On their careers, Hubbard has 121 catches for 749 yards whereas Rhamondre has 154 catches for 950 yards.

Honestly, I’d rather have Hubbard next year.

Original Pick: LB Cam McGrone (No. 177)

New Pick: Nick Niemann (No. 185)

I was high on McGrone and loved the pick at the time. An injury disrupted his final season in the Maze and Blue and dropped him to the fifth round. Turns out, even after redshirting his first year in New England, he was never able to get back to top form from the injury.

Niemann is still with the Chargers but mainly just a special teams player.

2020 Draft

Original Pick: S Kyle Dugger (No. 37)

New Pick: Grant Delpit (No. 44)

The Patriots held the 23rd pick in the 2020 draft but traded down with the Chargers, picking up a second and a third round pick. Remember, gaining extra draft capital is only good when you actually draft good players with the extra picks.

This one was a good move, however. After Justin Jefferson was picked 22nd (brutal), Belichick made the move down and grabbed Dugger, who I can best describe as a solid pick. He’s a guy who still struggles in coverage — and was plain awful playing through an injury this past season — but he can still bring the boom in the run game/screen game. He’s a classic case of a guy born too late, as his play style is tailor made for the vicious 80’s and 90’s style of football.

Xavier McKinney, an All-Pro safety with Green Bay this season, went one pick before. Like Dugger, Delpit did get a second contract with the Browns, but for both Cleveland and New England, the real miss is Antoine Winfield, who went one pick after Delpit.

Original Pick: Edge Josh Uche (No. 60)

New Pick: Julian Okwara (No. 67)

This will be the year Uche will break out! No, for sure it’ll be this year!

Few people were able to build a reputation by beating up a bunch of shitty backup tackles on primetime like Uche did in 2022.

During his 11.5 sack “breakout” season, three came against an awful Colts team, two came in a primetime game against Buffalo (his best game as a pro) and three came on a Monday night game against Arizona, where New England faced Colt McCoy and backup tackles.

Outside of those three games, Uche — a designated pass rusher who offers nothing in the run game — has a total 12.5 sacks in the other 61 games he appeared in.

Shockingly, Matt Patricia wasn’t any better at drafting. Okwara never received a second contract in Detroit and spent last season in Arizona.

Original Pick: Edge Anfernee Jennings (No. 87)

New Pick: Jonathan Greenard (No. 90)

I do like Jennings as a football player. The Pats were right to give him a second contract, as he is a physical presence on the edge in the run game. The problem is he gives nothing as a pass rusher. He is what he is.

Greenard has turned into a force on the edge. Drafted by Nick Caserio in Houston (imagine if Bill had just turned the draft keys to Caserio here?), Greenard had an eight sack season in 2021 and a 12.5 sack season in 2023.

He turned that into a four years, 76 million dollar deal with Minnesota in the offseason and has made the Vikings happy on the investment, coming up with nine sacks in Brian Flores’ aggressive defense.

Original Pick: TE Devin Asiasi (No. 91)

New Pick: Josiah Deguara (No. 94)

Bill was so horned up to recreate Gronk-Hernandez that he took Asiasi and the player next up on the list with late third round picks.

Both were disasters. Asiasi, the big bodies “Gronk” type, lasted three years in the league and tallied 11 catches for 44 yards.

Deguara is still kicking around the league.

Original Pick: TE Dalton Keene

New Pick: Adam Trautman

And part two. Keene was supposed to play the Hernandez role, but instead of killing someone, he simply opted to be a shitty, useless player on the football field.

He somehow did less than Asiasi, as he finished his career with three catches for 16 yards.

Trautman isn’t any good either, but he’s at least still in the league after five years.

***

So after all that, here’s what this alternate version of the Patriots would look like heading into next season:

QB: Michael Penix, Kyle Trask

RB: Chuba Hubbard, Hassan Haskins

WR: George Pickens, AD Mitchell, Tez Walker

TE: Adam Trautman, Josiah Deguara

LT: TBD (insane they haven’t used a high pick on a true LT since 2019!!!!!!)

LG: Mason McCormick

C: Cam Jurgens

RG: Olu Oluwatimi

RT: Karin Amegadjie

DE: Tuli Tuipulotu

DT: Levi Onwuzurike

DE: Julian Okwara

OLB: Baron Browning

LB: Daiyan Henley

LB: Nick Niemann

OLB: Jonathan Greenard

CB: Deonte Banks

S: Grant Delpit

Would this team be better? Low bar with a team that is 8-26 the last two seasons.

S: ?

CB: Josh Williams

CB Cobe Bryant